Cultivating Self-Compassion
The way we talk to ourselves, our inner dialogue, has a profound impact on our mood and wellbeing. When our thoughts are a stream of negativity and shame, the voice of our inner critic can make us believe that we are unworthy of love. We get stuck in the belief that there is something fundamentally wrong with us. We end up repeating the same patterns of self-sabotage and blame. When, however, we are able to connect with the voice of our inner best friend, we learn to speak to ourselves with the same kindness and compassion we offer to those we love most. We are able to make peace with our own flawed humanity and use our mistakes as an opportunity to grow. Only through love are we able to become our best selves.
Shifting our mindset isn’t an easy task. Our thoughts so often feel like truths. Recognizing that they are something we can become aware of and learn to change takes practice. By using mindfulness to pay attention to our inner dialogue, we can begin the work of challenging our negative assumptions about ourselves and cultivating a more self-compassionate outlook. This journalling exercise is one I have used many times when the voice of my inner critic was taking control. I have shared it with clients in therapy and find that it is a great tool for learning to get in touch with our inner best friend, no matter how far away that voice can feel.
These journaling prompts can be very emotional. Moderate and manageable emotional stress teaches us that we can sit with our own feelings and do not need to be afraid of our fear. However, learning to take a break when feeling emotionally overwhelmed and to connect with something soothing is an important part of self-care.
Write a letter to yourself in the voice of the inner critic. Dear Marissa… and then write out all the negative thoughts you are having about yourself. All the ways your mind is telling you that you are failing, that you aren’t good enough, that you aren’t lovable. List all the mistakes you think you have made, all the ways you have let yourself or others down. Get it all out. You don’t have to go beyond what is naturally coming up for you in the moment, this isn’t about digging up every negative thought you have ever had about yourself in the past. It’s about becoming aware of the negative ways you are speaking to yourself in the here and now, all of your habitual criticisms and fears. This helps create some space between you and your thoughts, allowing you see where they are false or overly critical.
Write a letter to yourself in the voice of the inner best friend. Dear Marissa… and then go line by line through your critical letter and write what you would say to your best friend if they were saying these things. Really picture in your mind someone you love, someone you feel genuine compassion for. This isn’t about false positivity or saying things that don’t feel true. It’s about connecting to the emotion of compassion and channeling that feeling towards yourself. Keep in mind all you know about your own story, all the times you have been hurt, all the ways you have grown. Self-compassion isn’t about making excuses, it’s about empathy. It’s about understanding why we are where we are and how we can take care of ourselves in this space.
Feel free to come back to this exercise again and again. Self-compassion is a practice, we need to work at it every day. It may feel hard in the beginning or when you’re going through a difficult time. Connecting to genuine compassion can feel unnatural when we’ve been in a space of self-criticism for so long. Don’t give up, keep cultivating the voice of your inner best friend in big ways and small. Writing is an amazing tool, but so is being mindful of the way you are speaking to yourself throughout the day. The inner critic will come up, that’s okay. Just make sure you don’t get lost in that voice and forget the voice of your inner best friend.
Are you ready to learn more about what therapy could be for you?
Therapy is a very personal journey and you deserve to feel seen and supported by your therapist. Please reach out if you would like to explore working together.