Empathy in Conflict
Conflict can damage relationships. It can drive us further apart, it can turn toxic. When conflict arises with the people we love, it can feel unsafe. Because of this, we may avoid conflict at all costs. We may disregard our own needs or shut down when we are upset. We may snap and get mean when we feel confronted by the people in our lives. These patterns can teach us that conflict is something to be feared. But healthy conflict actually strengthens our relationships. When we are able to be real with people, when we take the time to understand them, things begin to shift. In repairing conflicts that come up, we feel closer than ever to those we love. Working through a conflict makes us feel seen and helps us see our loved ones. It shows us that relationships can weather difficult times. It shows us that we can let people see the messy parts of ourselves and still feel loved. The important part is how we come back together.
Problems with conflict usually arise when we can’t understand where the other person is coming from. We feel like we would never do what they are doing. They are wrong, we are right. It feels very black and white. When we can’t empathize with someone’s position or behavior, we tend to assume one of two things: they don’t care about us or they’re a bad person. When our brains can’t fill in the gaps about why the conflict is happening, we tend to assume the worst. This breakdown in empathy leads to an increase of hurt, anger and resentment. It doesn’t lead to healing. We can’t feel better about ourselves or the other person until we are able to get to a place of understanding. We can’t move on until we can compassionately see a reason why the other person is acting the way they are. We may still need to protect ourselves from their behavior, we may still feel that the way they are responding is inappropriate. This doesn’t mean that we agree with their position or don’t hold our boundaries. It just means that we learn to assume good intentions. That we are open to understanding that the situation has multiple perspectives, that it is all shades of gray.
Empathy gaps can happen in both directions. We may not be able to understand the other person, they may not be able to understand us. We have different values than our loved ones, different perspectives. We may not know the struggles they have had, they may not know ours. It can be hard to know what feelings and fears may be coming up for the other person, even in the closest of relationships. This doesn’t mean that we are not empathetic and loving people. Coming together and truly understanding each other takes work. It takes vulnerability on both sides. It takes a willingness to listen and put down our own need to be right. We must be able to express our hurt while also being open to hearing their hurt. This isn’t easy. It can feel easier to accuse than to genuinely open up about our pain. When we let people in, we open the door to getting hurt. Letting them in is an act of trust. But this is the only way forward, the only way to have our needs met. Only through mutual compassion are we able to make any changes. What we need may be different than what they need. We may not agree in the end. But in understanding each other, in validating each other’s experience, we are able end up in a loving place. We are able to forgive.
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