Freeing Our Real Selves
There are parts of ourselves we wish we could deny. Ideal selves we would prefer to be, ideal lives we would prefer to live. Versions of ourselves that don’t get too emotional, that have no limits, that have it together all the time. These selves are our armor against judgement from others. They are the mask we use to cover our shame. They delude us, confuse us. We start to believe they are real, or that they could be. We start to believe that we need to make them real. That this is how we grow. But these fantasies only hurt us, only steal from us what is real and precious. What is truly ours.
We learn from a very young age that there are parts of ourselves that are not okay. That upset those who love us, that take love away. So we learn to become someone else. Someone it feels safe to be. We push down all the messy parts of ourselves, try to pretend they don’t exist. We learn to hide, to showcase only the parts we believe to be worthy of love. Over time we may get quite good at it. We receive praise and admiration for our ideal self. So we double down, work even harder to keep up the facade. And the toll it takes on us gets greater and greater.
Keeping up this facade is exhausting. We have to be vigilant against failure, against cracks in the mask. We criticize ourselves every time something slips through. Our minds become an endless reel of what we need to do to keep up, of where we fall short. It steals our presence, steals our joy. The life we are living isn’t the one our authentic self yearns for. But even acknowledging our authentic self feels scary. We do not feel seen. We do not feel loved for who we really are. We don’t even know who we really are. We feel stuck in a life that was never meant for us, and one we keep failing at.
But our real self is still there. Our beating heart hidden underneath all the impossible standards. Who we have always been before the shoulds took over our lives. This self may be messy. We may not like our anger or our perpetual lack of energy. It may feel like failure to give into these parts of ourselves. But it isn’t. It’s the only path forward. We cannot reach forgiveness until we let ourselves feel our anger. We cannot pursue our goals until we find a balance of energy that works for us. We cannot be loved until we allow ourselves to be fully seen.
No matter how far we have strayed, we can come back to our authentic self with every breath. Underneath all the chatter, in the here and now, we can find stillness and allow our hearts to speak. Mindfulness is the path back home to ourselves. This present moment is the gateway. Little by little we learn that we can let our real selves shine through. Our real emotions, our real desires. Without judgment, without control. We can learn to just be. This is the path to growth, to the life that was meant for us. Our real selves are the only way.
Are you ready to learn more about what therapy could be for you?
Therapy is a very personal journey and you deserve to feel seen and supported by your therapist. Please reach out if you would like to explore working together.