Releasing Negative Emotions
Negative emotions can feel like a trap we can’t escape from, like an illness we don’t know how to cure, like a bad dream we can’t wake up from. We learn along the way to rely on whatever strategies we can to dull the pain even for a short time and can end up spending our lives running from ourselves. The fog we create to avoid our grief and our fear also separates us from all the joy, beauty and love in the world. In facing our hardest feelings we are able to see that we don’t need to be afraid of ourselves. Our hearts just want our attention. We can learn to lovingly give our pain our full attention in the present moment for a manageable amount of time, and then let it go. These four steps have helped me do that many times. I use them to help my clients in therapy, I hope they can help you as well.
Step 1: Allow yourself to acknowledge and feel any emotions that are present. Sit in a quiet, comfortable place and turn your attention inward. Pay attention to how your body feels, the thoughts going through your mind, the emotions bubbling up inside you. Sit with them, name them, let yourself feel all of it without turning away. This isn’t about obsessing over your thoughts or the stories you are telling yourself about your pain. Allow yourself to connect with the feelings and physical sensations underneath all the mental chatter and judgements. Do this for as long as feels comfortable, don’t overwhelm yourself but there is no need to be afraid.
Step 2: Validate your feelings with self-compassion and tenderness. There is so much shame that surrounds our negative emotions. It can be hard to connect with compassion for ourselves, we are constantly comparing ourselves to others and chasing unattainable ideals. Just like children who need comfort from their parents, our hearts need our tenderness and love. As you are letting yourself feel everything inside you, give yourself validation and compassion for all you are experiencing. You are allowed to feel this way. You are okay. This is all just part of life, you don’t need to be perfect. You can love yourself though it.
Step 3: Decide where you can make a change and where you can practice acceptance. Our emotions are messengers, they are here to tell us something. Sometimes it’s that we need to make a change, we need to set a boundary or pursue something new. Sometimes it’s that we need to be a little less hard on ourselves or others. Very often it’s both. Spend some time deciding if there is an action that you can take to better your circumstances or if there is somewhere you can soften and let go. Our emotions help steer us in the direction our hearts want us to go. They are a catalyst, don’t be afraid to use them.
Step 4: Allow the emotion to pass and return to the present moment. Our emotions are part of our present moment experience. They deserve our care and attention. But they are not the only part of who we are and the moment we are living in. Once you have let yourself feel everything you need to feel, remember there is a whole world around you. Ground yourself in your senses, open your eyes and take it all in. Do something that makes you feel good, go for a walk, talk to a friend, listen to music. Whatever brings you joy and reminds you that, while you are strong enough to face the darkness, there is also light.
By using these four steps when our hard emotions come up, we can learn to go towards our hearts with tenderness and care. We build up our inner strength and prove that we can trust ourselves when things get hard. We learn that we don’t have to be afraid of ourselves. And this opens us up to experience the full spectrum of what it means to be alive. There is pain, there is suffering, yes. But there is also peace, there is also wonder.
Are you ready to learn more about what therapy could be for you?
Therapy is a very personal journey and you deserve to feel seen and supported by your therapist. Please reach out if you would like to explore working together.