Self-trust can feel like a scary thing. So often trust in ourselves has been damaged by messages from society or others telling us that we need to be different than we are. Messages that we should be thinner or more productive. That we should be making more money or spending more time doing things for others. We have been told over and over again that we need to live according to outside rules or influences and, eventually we start to believe it. We begin living out of alignment and stuck in a cycle of self-sabotage. We try to force ourselves to live according to the rules, but then rebel and end up burning the whole thing down when it starts to feel like too much. This rebellion seems to prove the point and the idea of trusting ourselves starts to feel dangerous. It feels like if we don’t force ourselves to live according to external rules that we will only end up doing things that hurt us. Our self trust is broken and we begin to lose connection to our inner cues. We are living by rules that don’t resonate with us but we don’t know what else to do. We have lost our inner power and feel out of control.

Our thoughts make up a big part of our life. We spend a great deal of time in our own heads. Some of our thoughts are helpful. They allow us to solve problems, make plans and organize our lives. We use our minds to learn about and interact with the world. They help keep us alive. But they can also hurt us. Our thoughts may be self-critical or unnecessarily negative. They can be overwhelming and harsh. They can fixate on the past or future, stealing our peace and connection to the present moment. Negative thoughts can damage our relationships and our self-worth. They can lead to anxiety and depression. They can cause self-sabotaging or harmful behaviors. They can keep us stuck. Our minds are wonderful servants, but terrible masters.

How often do we rush through our days, not making time to appreciate the beauty around us? How often do we fixate on what is wrong or could go wrong instead of appreciating all that is good and whole in our lives? How often do we believe we will only be happy once we attain some future goal instead of cultivating joy in our present lives? This isn’t a personal failing. Our brains are designed to notice problems so that we can address them and protect ourselves. But we lose out on so much if we stay in this automatic, limited mindset. We could end up missing out on our entire lives. 

Self-care is an important part of wellness, but it will only take us so far. We could take perfect, meticulous care of ourselves at all times and it still wouldn’t be enough. It can’t be enough. We aren’t meant to care for ourselves alone. We need help. We need other people to listen to us, to be there for us when we are hurting. We need different perspectives. We need to be challenged. Social connections are one of the most important components of mental wellness and resiliency. These connections provide validation, emotional support, and help when we need it. We don’t have to go it alone.

Stress is part of life. We are meant to be resilient, to handle a certain amount of stress. Our nervous system responds to a stressor and then re-regulates, returning to a comfortable baseline. Stress starts to negatively impact us when we don’t have the resources or support to allow our bodies to re-regulate. The strategies below are ways to bring yourself back to a regulated state. Self-care is a practice. It will evolve over time and is most helpful when done regularly. Choose which strategies feel the most appealing and accessible to you to start. Incorporate as many different types of self-care as feels comfortable for you.

In our ego’s quest to ensure status and success, it will attach to many things. These attachments become part of our identity, part of the way we prove our specialness. They give us a reason to feel good about ourselves. We may become attached to our achievements, believing that we can prove our worth through our accomplishments. We may become attached to our social standing, believing we need to be better than others in order to be okay. We may become attached to our material possessions, believing we need the newest, nicest things to establish who we are. We may become attached to our ideas and beliefs, believing we need to prove that we are right, that we know better than others. This is how we avoid feelings of inferiority, this is how we make sure we “win.”

There is a part of each of us that wants to be the best. That wants to win, to be liked, to get ahead. Sometimes this part takes over and our ego drives us to tear others down so that we can feel more powerful. Or it finds us lacking, believing we aren’t good enough because we don’t have what others do. We judge ourselves, we judge others. The consequences are hurt, shame and a sense of separation. Taken to its extreme, the ego can lead to war, hatred, and violence. It contributes to anxiety, depression, and feeling like we are never good enough. Our quest to be the best only ends up bringing out the worst in us.

Our life is made up of present moments. That’s all we ever have. This moment, here and now. In its beauty, its fragility, its simplicity. But life is long and complex, and we easily get lost. We ruminate about the past, we worry about the future. We spend our days lost in the busy haze of what needs to be done next. We lose connection with ourselves. We lose connection with life. Mindfulness can help us find a way back to the present.

Life gets hectic. We are often pulled in a million directions throughout the day. We are overworked and under supported. Busyness becomes a lifestyle. We scramble from one thing to another, always feeling behind. A running list of what needs to be done racing through our minds. We feel out of control. Like we’ll never get it all done. Peace starts to feel like a mirage. We chase after it with all we have but somehow never quite arrive. 

The most important thing we receive from other people is the gift of being seen. The world can be a lonely and isolating place. Not everyone we encounter understands us or sees us for who we are. But we yearn to be known. We cherish most those who see and appreciate our unique spark. They make us feel safe. They make us feel alive. They reflect back a version of ourselves that feels true, that feels good. They validate who we are. They strengthen our sense of self.

Suffering is part of life. Our own suffering, the suffering of others, the suffering of our world. It can feel meaningless. It can make us question the goodness of life. It can steal our hope. But suffering can also open our hearts to those around us. It can instill within us a tenderness, a compassion that nothing else can. And this compassion is the path to life’s meaning. It binds humanity together and reveals how thin the veil is between us. Compassion shows us how we are one. 

There are parts of ourselves we wish we could deny. Ideal selves we would prefer to be, ideal lives we would prefer to live. Versions of ourselves that don’t get too emotional, that have no limits, that have it together all the time. These selves are our armor against judgement from others. They are the mask we use to cover our shame. They delude us, confuse us. We start to believe they are real, or that they could be. We start to believe that we need to make them real. That this is how we grow. But these fantasies only hurt us, only steal from us what is real and precious. What is truly ours.