Learning to See Each Other
The most important thing we receive from other people is the gift of being seen. The world can be a lonely and isolating place. Not everyone we encounter understands us or sees us for who we are. But we yearn to be known. We cherish most those who see and appreciate our unique spark. They make us feel safe. They make us feel alive. They reflect back a version of ourselves that feels true, that feels good. They validate who we are. They strengthen our sense of self.
To be seen, however, we must be open. We must be vulnerable. And this isn’t always easy. Conflict happens. We get hurt; we hurt others. We may feel that those we love no longer understand us. No longer see us. But conflicts do not define a relationship. It is the repair that matters. It is the coming back together. Losing our way gives us the opportunity to find each other again. We do not need to agree, we only need to learn to see the other person’s perspective again.
This exercise will guide you through the process of repair. It can be used after a more escalated conflict or, instead of one. Repair can’t happen in a state of fight or flight, so it is important to wait until both parties are calm to begin.
Step one: Show the other person that you see them
Take some time to process your feelings and then try to see things from the other person’s point of view. Acknowledge and validate their perspective from a place of empathy and compassion. What would they say, how are they feeling? You may be wrong, that’s why a conversation is important. But assuming good intentions helps them let their guard down. It shows that you see the positive side of them despite the conlict. Make sure to acknowledge any part you play in the problem. Take responsibility: “I know you care about us spending time together because you value our relationship. It means a lot to me that you care so much. I’m sorry that I sometimes push you away. I know that makes you feel rejected”
Step two: Help them see you
Share your own emotions from an open, vulnerable space. Use “I” statements and talk about how you are feeling. This isn’t about making one person wrong and the other right. Feelings simply are. Your only job here is to help them see your authentic self, to help them better understand where you are coming from: “I care about our relationship and love spending time with you. But sometimes I need time alone, especially when I am upset. It takes me a little while to process what I’m feeling. Having a conversation during that time can feel overwhelming.”
Step three: Find a way forward
Find a compromise that works for you both. State what you need and listen to what the other person needs. Set any boundaries needed for moving forward: “I will tell you when I need alone time so you don’t feel like I’m just ignoring you. And I promise we will talk once I’m ready. I hope you will feel more comfortable if you know we can talk in a few hours. But please give me my space during that time, it’s important for me.”
There will always be conflict. Empathy allows us to protect the important parts of our relationship through it. We learn to balance the other person’s needs and perspective with our own. Repairing shows us that we can come back together even when things are hard. This builds trust. It validates the strength of the relationship. It allows each person to feel seen and valued for their authentic self.
Are you ready to learn more about what therapy could be for you?
Therapy is a very personal journey and you deserve to feel seen and supported by your therapist. Please reach out if you would like to explore working together.